and you wonder why I hate being bored.

"It gets so confusing this game,
I met alot of girls but never felt this way,
I get strange pleasure though from going through this pain,
and like a ghost I'm haunting her,
I often fantasize about walking hand in hand
But I don't know her name or if she's got a man,
and the only thing that gives me hope to stay
is maybe one day she'll notice me"


I was talking to my boy about something that I was kind of confused about and he gave me a good explanation on what might be going on in a person's head so I decided to let it go and not get too attached because they might get what they are thinking out of their system, which is reasonable.

So Tuesday, didn't have anytime to think about anything. Went running, china buffet, packed up and cleaned up a lil of the apartment and then went to indoor. I was actually kind of ballin out in indoor. It was borderline cultured what I was doing actually, I was kind of scared about that. Then I went out with a couple of the guys afterwards and didn't really think about anything during that time either so that was cool. Yesterday (Wednesday) I made the journey back to Greenville and that's where my mind started wandering. Another problem I had some R&B songs on that probably magnified it. So I decided to put on some mindless rap on to just not think about absolutely anything, that actually worked out and then I got home. Decided to take a nap and then head to the gym to work out. She was vaguely on my mind during my workout session, I was actually thinking about next year and where I might actually be. So no problems there. I think it started to hit me at about around 10 tonight when I was just sitting there with my headphones on (so I didn't have to hear my parents questioning) And I would find myself on facebook looking at somebody's profile like I was suppose to be there. It's ridiculous really. Now I am sitting here watchin soccer because I can't get back to sleep and yet I find her in my thoughts.

I don't think it really is an attachment. I think it is mostly just somebody to think about, because it has been a while since I've thought about anyone like this. Yeah it has. So maybe it is just a cycle that I am going to have to get out of. Maybe she'll forget about me, then I can actually forget myself.....

I like the fact that I am trying to actually convince myself out of shit. Like everything in my life I think I will let this run its course. If it runs away from me, then cool, if it runs straight towards me, then that'll be cool. I don't know I just hate being bored because it's easy to think about things like this while you have a lot of idle time. Hmm, well what would help me stop thinking about this person is not using my computer. Hiding it somewhere until I actually begin to forget, work on getting my 360 fixed, and waiting for my sick hat to get here. Who am I kidding I can't live without my computer let's be foreal. I guess my mind will have to wonder for a couple of more days...

My Life from the past five days

There hasn't been a blog entry since around Thursday I believe. I've been putting full focus on my tryout that I had the last weekend for the Carolina Railhawks and part of me feels like that all my focus wasn't necessarily needed. It was a breeze I thought and I thought that I played real well. And to make things even more interesting I was playing out of position for most of the tryout and thought I did really well with it. Since I am a munchkin in the soccer world I decided to go out to right back and I was balling it up over there. Tackles were good, in the right places at the right times and I thought I was one of the best defenders out there. (I don't brag a lot, seriously)

Let's go out of order a little bit. On Thursday, me, walt, and his stepdad went to Cary and played a lil futsal. For those that don't know about it, futsal is played with a smaller but heavier ball and we played on a basketball court. We were slipping all over the place, but also we were balling it up. Dominating the court. It was especially funny when this guy from I believe Georgia wanted to restart the game and we played to five. We beat them to five. Then he decided let's play to two. Beat them to two. And I was walking to get my pants on and get ready to go home and he wanted to play one more game to win. I was really getting agitated with this guy so I took the ball away from him danced around one guy and scored. Finally that was enough. I was waiting for him to say, "Okay the team that gets scored on first wins." It was pretty ridiculous but it did help out with my footwork and all. So it was pretty good all the same.

Now, I am content right now. Listening to Jamie Foxx's new album. It's okay, it's no Jon B. but it's alright. If you don't know I've been on the R&B tip lately. It's been mad calm to me and I don't get too stressed out for no reason so unless I just feel like putting some rap on, I'm listening to some R&B. So Aaron, yeah I'm not mad right now. I'm not mad hahaha.

I need a new hat. I'm tired of wearing the same two hats over and over again. I'm thinking of getting a new hat this week. It's kind of tight or at least I think it's tight. It looks similar to one of the hats I already have but it has that "carolina blue" color to it that I think is kind of cool. Why not buy a white hat. Well black pretty much matches with anything I have and the fact that I don't want to have to clean my white hat everytime I wear it. So I think I am going to stick with the black hats. (I can't find a proper picture of it so I will send you one once I get it)

Alright I'm going to go back and watch my TV. After tonight, one more day in the triangle area for a long while. I'm heading back to Greenville and going through the suffering of my parent's constant questioning. Um I think I am going to either stay in Gold's Gym, my room, or a soccer field for the majority of the time. I don't want to hear that nonsense right now hahaha. I speak nonsense as it is. I mean that is where I get it from right????

This rainy day can't stop me!!! / What should I get for christmas?

It has finally happened. I am officially done being a full-time student. At 1:00pm as I was turning in my final exam, the joy filled through my body. And even though I had to walk through the rain to my car one finally time to where I've been parking it all year I couldn't contain my excitement. I didn't even have any earphones and yet I was still jumping for joy. It is still raining and I've been laying here ever since I got back. I don't care how much it rains and thunders and all that, this rain cannot stop me, well unless it starts flooding soon, then I should be kind of concerned for the fact that I lived on the first floor. Oops

How am I doing otherwise, I'm alright. Can not really complain. I know I wrote another ranting episode earlier Tuesday morning. That's just to get pint up frustration out of my head. Now I feel better, stomp on another team in my indoor game. Played a lil pick-up with some of the ballers on the girl's soccer team (yeah they are ballers). And just enjoying free time. I should start cleaning and throwing away my nonsense of school work that I actually did for some odd reason. I may actually go play some futsal later tonight. That should be fun, I still don't have any moves that I know of but it should be a fun time either way. This weekend I am going to tryout with the Carolina Railhawks. I mean I might as well, what is it going to hurt. It is a new coach and he is not really going to know who I am to sign me by myself so I decided to just go ahead and play and if I play well then great if I don't well then I still got more to work on. I'm sure I will be playing somewhere. It might not be the best place or the highest place but I at least want to play until I feel that I cannot compete and I still feel like I can so I am going to keep on going.

As for Christmas, what should I actually ask for? I think I am that old that I have no clue what I want for Christmas. I don't even think I am going to get anything. I mean Aaron is probably going to get some shoes from a random friend or something. However I am not really concerned about anything. I might ask for some new soccer shoes (preferably adidas or puma or something) Maybe get another hat or two. That's probably what I want. I only currently have two hats because one has gone off missing somewhere. I think I am going to need to go on a mission to get that back. Oh well, what do you think I should ask for?

It's 5am and I can't go to sleep......Oh I'm ranting

There is no real reason why I am up right now. I tried to go to sleep at 1am but I just ended up waking up at 3:30 and now it's 4:30 and I'm still up and now listening to music. It probably doesn't help that I am listening to music because it is distracting me from sleeping and forcing me to think about stuff that I try to block out of my mind. I wish I could just snap on people however I felt like snapping on people. You know it would just make me feel a lot better about myself to just say whatever I feel and just be like yeah that is how I feel. However I try to keep some sort of hope and maybe it is a false hope on my part. Maybe just maybe I want to make it seem like i want these people to like me and when they do not like me. I can go off on them on my own personal way and use that has motivation to work harder on my training and the other stuff that I do. It's probably crazy and I probably should not do these things to myself but it really doesn't pain me as much as I make it out to believe. It's kind of discourage about people but it doesn't pain me. Oh well, I can play the game

I had this big speech about a certain couple of people but I think I really got what I asked for from these people. Keeping a certain distances from me as far as possible because there is a chance that I am some sort of crazy that they don't want to mess with. Well guess what I am crazy and you should not mess with me ever. And if you see me somewhere you should not come up to me and give these fake talk and say anything, you should turn around and go the other way because I know that is exactly what you want to do. You know better yet, I'll help things out and turn the other way myself so you don't have to make the decision for yourself because I know how hard it is for you to make decisions about "hurting people's feelings" Then again, I probably won't see you again as it is. Exams are here and I am not going into Chapel Hill except for exams so congratulations to you, you finally have me out of your system. Cheers.

I'm not on the sympathy tip, I don't really want that in fact I really want to infuriated people. I want people to be mad at me. I want the hate to spill out. However you will roll on your way with a fake gester that really thinks will make me feel better. F that, I rather see you mean mug me, spit on my face and say I hate your guts. (I know what you are thinking, I'm not in the mood for that now- he knows) At least I can say, wow this person really doesn't like me, all your fake babble won't be worth it to your time anymore and then I can spit on your face and say that I hate you too and smile right back at you because I know you hate seeing my smiling face. So I am going to keep on smiling. You are going to have to wipe that off my face now.

He got that ass stomped

I was over a couple of guys house yesterday watching the Pacquiao-De la Hoya fight. Now the weeks leading up to this fight I thought that Oscar would be able to dominate a little guy due to his weight, height, and just overall veteran skills but the moments leading up to the fight just made me change my mind. Me hearing people saying that he is making more money due to pay-per-view revenue then the actual fight itself and him having a pretty face. Then seeing Pacquiao going up against other latin fighters, who seemed like they got more heart then what Oscar has now in the ring, I thought man, Manny might just win. He did not only win he basically beat the shit out of Oscar. Whenever he got against the ropes he just got out, and he just combo in and out making Oscar look more like a rookie fighter in there. Now I understood after the Mayweather fight why he decided to come back but this fight should make him throw the towel for good. He was dominated by a 5'6 guy who's normal weight is around 120. I think you just need to put that suit on and find other guys who are prized fighters. One of the people that I was hanging out with him was like this is basically the same thing as Superman getting killed systematically. Okay I did add the word systematically but that's how it went down. Manny beat him to every punch and it didn't even look like Oscar was going to knock Manny down.

Now I think he should retire now, but will he retire now? I don't know I am sure he has a lot to think about. He could not do anything in this fight. Maybe he's lost it but then again he's lost every big time fight he's been in for the last couple of years. Maybe that won't keep him out of the ring, but you know what will keep him im. It is everyone buying $54.99 for his fights. He is a pretty smart man and if he feels like he wants to get back into the ring, it is going to do more with the payday and less about the real fight. Also other fighters wouldn't mind getting in the ring with him because they'll obviously get that major payday also so until the day when nobody buys an Oscar De la Hoya fight, there will always be a chance that he will be in the ring. But then again, he was a proud champion, I'm sure he even knows when it is time to give it up. I mean he can't do a Bernard Hopkins and stomp on a champion in his prime (Kelly Pavlik) when he's 43 years old. Oscar's not hungry for the ring like that anymore but he is hungry for that $.

Stop Stressing

Going through the progression of trying to study for exams/ trying to stay in shape for soccer/ trying to NOT feel like crap anymore. I just figured out not to be stressed out about many of these things. Just go on and do it. With the studying, I know how to study for these exams and the fact of the matter is that I have a certain idea of what is going to be on the exams. So you should take that out of the equation. Secondly if you are upsetting yourself due to the fact that you are studying a lot and knowing everyone, they hate studying. Study in groups. Find people to study with, now if you don't have any friends in those classes or aren't willing to study with you. Find friends to go to the library with you. It will at least make you feel better that you aren't alone in the studying that you need to do.

I want to be ready for soccer just in case some team comes up to me. I use to stress about the fact that I felt out of shape for some reason or the other. But I think that I am just fine. My game is alright and especially for a center back or possibly an outside back, my skill set as gotten better with playing in indoor (in tight spaces) and just working on the game whenever I can. Whatever all I can ask for is to play the best that I can play and see what happens. Life continues to show you the right way to go so you should take what it plans on giving you.

I have been feeling like crap most recently and it isn't anything social. It is that my stomach continues to ache even though I've almost done everything possible to make sure that it stops aching. I've taken pepto, eaten food, because I thought maybe if I ate I would feel better, taken all kinds of pain relievers and taken some junk called magnesium citrate, it helps "clean you out" if you really want me to elaborate then you are going to have to ask me privately (or just take into account that my stomach is hurting). And even after that I am feeling it a little bit. I had to stop working today because my stomach continued to hurt all during the day. So I went to my place took a long nap and then decided to study a little bit.

I'm trying not to kill myself over all these things and even trying to talk to other people about what's going on just to make me feel at ease. It's kind of hard just keeping everything inside so having people to talk about things that potentially stresses us out will make us less stressful. So if you are feeling shitty and stressed out about things, find the nearest friend and talk to them because you may never know, they have the same things going on with them.

First exam starts on Saturday at four. If I can get some more studying tonight and go a lil more hardcore tomorrow then I would be straight. I am going to be screwed if the first two exams aren't on the final (they said it was cumulative) because that is exactly what I am studying on and Chapter 18 also. So here's to the start of exams! Cheers! Now, here's to me staying in on a Friday night and studying. That's Dedication. Go UNC soccer! (mens and womens)

For my facebook friends who were kind to give me a birthday shout...23? really

First of all thank you for the birthday shouts. It is really appreciated and I am going to try to do something within the next couple of days. I am going to try to thank each of ya in a very unique way. I don't know how I am going to do it and all. And even those who I don't really talk to at least took the time to write happy birthday on my wall, so me being the person that I am. I am going to thank everybody anyways. So within the next couple of days be ready! I am coming

Yes I am 23. I don't feel older or more mature. Although it's weird that I really didn't expect a present for my birthday or kind of didn't want one. You know it gets to that time where you just don't care what you get for your birthday or christmas for that matter. As long as we all can make it through another day that's all that matters. Even the people that I "hate" (like Aaron hahahahaha) I appreciate all of you guys in my life even though I don't show it. It at least keeps my life interesting and I hope that I can make your life interesting through my crazy antics. Alright I need to go to training and a review session (back to reality i hate it)