I cannot point a finger to it. There are days where I am around all these people but I am still alone. My world has gotten smaller and smaller through time. I look at people through their different viewpoints and try to understand but I seem to come to the same conclusion about them (That conclusion I will speak about at a different date).
I was trying to hang out with my roommate and some of his friends in Raleigh last night (Friday) and I was already apprehensive about going out with them as is because we hardly have anything in common. So I decided to give it about thirty minutes before I leave. I get there and they all disappear their own ways and I just look around the bar and say this is no fun. Grabbed a soda to drink and within the next 15 minutes I drove home and played fifa for the rest of the night.
Usually I would say that it is effed up how people would ditch somebody but I can't blame them. They have their own agendas for their night like everybody else. Being angry at them really wouldn't serve me any purpose because I knew exactly what I was getting into. It is the same every other night I hang out with people. I know what I am going to get. I can pretty much tell you to a tee how the night is going to end up. Usually it ends up with me in a dark room alone trying to figure out why I put myself through most of this.
I would not say this is anything new of me. Usually if I am hanging out at a place like this I try to make my own fun out of the whole deal. Maybe find people to talk to or something like that. However this night I just didn't feel up to it. Laying on a couch staring at a TV screen seem more fun to me then staying out until two thinking that I am going to have fun.
I have been use to going out and thinking that night will be fun. I have all these thoughts about how the night is going to end up and usually end up being disappointed by it all and feel like it was a waste of time. When I stay at home, I can't really disappoint myself too much. Watch TV, play video games, surf the web, etc.. there is not too much you can be disappointed with. Maybe having the feeling on a dork for staying in on a Friday night by yourself but I am not going to let that stop me from doing what I want to do.
Slipping back Oblivion: I use to be real quiet, never hung out with anybody, and just really disappeared from people's thoughts for the longest time. The thing is that my feelings were never really hurt in the process of any of those things. Yeah people talk behind my back and all but I mean how am I going to ever know? People don't say anything to my face. So I am thinking why not try it? Slip back to the cave that I use to live in for so long. Resist the urge of going out and making a fool of myself like I seem to do lately. Think of ways how to make my life better for myself. I need to be a bit more selfish than I am. I only have so much time to live on this world before it is all gone...
Then what? I'll forever slip into oblivion. Then again I really don't mind the silence as it is anyway...
P.S: No, this isn't a drunken post. I just woke up to a message from a friend who typed how they felt at the time so that served as inspiration to type how I am feeling.
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