What Exactly am I chasing?

Am I chasing the dream or a much happier life?

I've been going through this dilemma for about a month now. Unfortunately the answer to this question isn't as easy as I would want it to be. I'd rather it just be staring me at my face so I can make the decision accordingly. However no, this will continue to wreck my brain until I make up my mind what exactly I would want to do. The crappy thing about this is what ever decision that I make then more than likely the other one will most definitely close up forever. So this is probably the most important decision that I'm going to have to make in my life. I don't know. I've drawn up some of my options and see what are the benefits and disadvantages to each.

I've been (so eloquently called) "chasing the dream" of playing professional soccer for a couple of years now. It is something I want to do, I've been playing footy all my life so it is kind of hard to change my ways. So I've been trying to get in contact with teams and have had a couple of tryouts lined up. Like I said in a previous post about going to a Real Maryland tryout in which I got good reviews and such. And I know that I've gotten a tryout in Richmond in February. Now I can play well but the same thing that happened to me when I tried out for the Railhawks could happen to me in these places. They could make me go through "another round" of tryouts. And then not picking anyone at all. That process kind of left me with a bad taste in my mouth and that is something that I don't want to go through.

Thinking about it now. It might just be chasing the dream. I've seen so many guys who have been through the circuit many of times. And I don't want to be one of those guys because I know if I'm not good enough to make it through the eyes of these coaches then I probably should do something else. I mean I'm never cocky about anything that I do but when I say that I'm better than some of the players that they do pick. However the "good ole boy" system comes into effect and they'll pick players that they know and want to give them their chance. So I don't know whether to chase this dream will be much worth it anymore.



I've gotten the unique opportunity to go back to New Zealand. Now even though I've had some growing pains and what I not, I thoroughly enjoyed my time there and I would like to live there for as long as possible. And I get to play some footy also which would be good. I get to play on the team that I played on last year. My coaches have the faith in me and my ability unlike those back home. They know that I can play my preferred position even though I'm not the suitable height (whatever that means). There might have been some changes to the team, but all the guys that I've gotten to know are all quality guys on and off the field. I wouldn't trade that experience with anything else in the world. Plus the other people that I've met are another reason why I would love to come back.

Still though, most of the time, the sequel isn't as good as the first one. What if this "chasing of a happier life" is only a quick fix? And in the long run, it ends up being a bust? Another thing that I have to think about is getting a job because I cannot just play soccer there unfortunately. I have to find a way to get a job. I mean I've had a tough time finding a job in the United States as it is, so I'm sure it'll be rough for me to find a job around there. Also what if my footy isn't as good as it was last year? You never know when you've think that you hit your peak or not until it happens. It is just the things that go through my head (but I'll get that out of my head, my best years are still ahead of me).




I know that life is about the challenges and the opportunities that I have. Also I know that I just have to go out there and just take the chance. It'll be possible that I will fail or that I will succeed. You have to accept whatever happens and go back to the drawing board. Now the thing is that I'm pretty much 50/50 in each situation. However it isn't like I've gotten something concrete from any of these teams here in the United States so it might just be tricks and whistles on their part and they may find some other USL-1 or MLS reject to take my spot because he has some sort of "name" now. Also I don't know whether my parents will want to pay the ticket for NZ (or at least some of the ticket because hopefully by the time the flight comes I will have some money to pay them back) even though the club that I'm going to play for is going to reimburse me once I get there.

Like I said, I wish the answer could just smack me in the face. But it's life, more importantly my life and I am going to have to make some tough decisions in it. Right????