So right now, I'm at the part of the night where I woke up at 3am after heading to sleep at 12am and now I cannot get to sleep. I'm currently listening to music and watching Argentine soccer. I wanted to take a break from the nonsense and get back to myself for a minute. I've had lots of things to ponder for the last week and most of what I say turns into just babble so I'm not really concerned with that. However there are somethings that I'm concerned about with myself and listening to what people say and what they do has also helped me think more about stuff that otherwise I wouldn't think about.
There has been times where I look at myself and I just tell myself that I want to be in a relationship right now. I know it sounds pretty crazy. You see people all around you dealing with each other, loving each other, arguing with each other because they care enough about the other to do so (some exceptions hmm CB), but you just see couples that understand each other. I kind of want that. I haven't been in any sort of relationship in about a year or two. I love my space and all but I feel like I want somebody there to talk to or to hang out with whenever we wanted. I'm sorry I love my mom but I don't know if I want to sit through a movie with her everyday. Of course it takes work to do this, you have to find someone that has things in common with you and you also have to figure out if she's a psycho or not because that's a big checking point in all relationships, I mean I hope it is, otherwise you are going to be on the news for getting your dick chopped off or Chris Brown'in somebody. I had to use that at least once in my life. Then you have to figure out whether you would spend time with this person everyday, I'm not thinking marriage or anything but if you only want to spend time with someone some of the time, then I don't really think that is going to make for a good relationship. You have to want to be with that person even when you are gone from that person for a while, you still call each other and text each other to make sure one or the other is alright.
The problem lies in the fact that I do not have anyone in mind for this "relationship adventure". There's noone that I'm like "hey I want you to be my girlfriend". No clue, there are women that are good-looking I know I've seen a few of them around but there hasn't been anyone that I want to take it further with. The one I did...I don't think that's going to work out she's cool being friends from a distance. So that's not going to fly, not trying to alienate anyone else on my life journey right at this moment at least. Maybe it is the fact that I sit around my apartment doing hardly anything with my life. I don't go out and see people nor do I interact with anyone when I'm not doing school or any type of work. So it's kind of easy to fall in the trap of not having anyone to think about. Of course I think about women in general but there's not that one person that's one my mind. It's weird because I've been listening to r&b love songs lately and more than likely if I am listening to them then I'm thinking about a particular person. Well no, I still listen to it but there's no one that comes to mind when I listen. It still calms me down but there's nothing. It's kind of hard to have a relationship when you aren't thinking about anybody. I mean I can have a relationship with myself. "I just love myself" *hugs self* Yeah I hugged myself.
"You got me having a heart attack."
All that being said, I can still do my normal two step and do the things that I've been doing. I've learned from my 23 years of living that I have to roll through the punches and take on the life that I'm living. I don't need to make major adjustments to myself just do some things different that will make me feel happy about myself. And if someone makes me feel happy and they feel the same about me, then I'll sure bring them into my life whether it's being a friend or being somebody more. As long as I don't beat myself if things don't go my way, I have to keep living.
"I'm so high, I don't wanna come down."
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